” The Anguish that comes with Losing oneself.
This is a serious topic and a topic, that I never thought I would have experienced in my own life.
I was well trained in the Discipline department. I was Tenacious. I was Resilient. I was Talented.
I was focused, had direction and determined. I was always the odd duck, doing everything by the book that my codes were written on.
I suppose, Life can get each one of us through our weaknesses. Mine was always about Helping someone… So much that I almost did not exist to myself.
Sad to say that, between Betrayals and Abandonment, I got worn out!
Losing three of my dearest friends, who loved me more than I can bare to acknowledge, hurts!
What happened to my great attributes?
Where did they go?
Why did I Abandon myself?
So many questions and for every answer, there were ten other questions…
The Anguish, that I speak about is not Hating oneself, but the very thought of having lost oneself!
The ‘How’ was easy to figure out. I Decided I wanted to be like everyone else: Not give a shit!
The ‘Where’ did the attributes go, was also easy to track down. They are all still inside me.
However, The ‘Why’ did I abandon myself is the Million Dollar question.
There was no question that I loved and respected myself, so why?
A few of my theories are that, perhaps, I was feeling sorry for myself.
I always believed in ‘Doing’ right by others at all costs, but came to a realization that nobody really cares about Me caring about Them!
My heart was always Golden and full of love for the less fortunate and the ones, who most people judge according to their bullshit standards.
Was I afraid to be Me again and have to be understanding and forgiving like I was before?
Was I just sick of the Fakeness, that I was exposed to in the name of friendship?
Was I, for the first time in my life feeling Regrets?
If these words you have been reading, seem to hit a spot, Please listen to me…
The first change was decided by you and only You, can change it back or change things for the better.
You must search deep inside your heart and soul until you find the ‘You’ that walked away…
Chase after yourself until you become whole once again.
I wish I had better advice but I am only as far as what I wrote in the last sentence.
I am chasing myself, but my old self somehow feels betrayed and abandoned by me, so she is using her
talented gifts, to elude me! It hasn’t been easy because I am deeply wounded at the moment.
However, If it’s the last thing I do, I will find myself again and Heal as a whole.
Everybody has a cross they must carry. I have carried so many crosses for others and for years!
Now, it’s time to carry my own damn cross! I must wisen up and pick up the pieces that were left behind.
The image I used was created by a very beautiful and talented friend of mine, who drew my face very well and maybe, she knew something, most do not know about me…
I love the Rain and one day, I would love to dance with the one I love under the rain!
I hope that the others, who might be feeling something similar can draw something positive from this.
Remember, we can always choose which aspects of ourselves to express to the world!
Sometimes, all we need is to spend time with ourselves, by ourselves!
Sometimes, all we need is to be naked under the rain, and let it wash our sorrows and pain away…