Someone once asked me, Latia…
” Do you ever get lonely? “
I had to really think about it because I wanted to answer the question sincerely. After about 30 seconds while thoughts forayed my mind as I looked at my friend in the eyes, I had to answer “No”.
He smiled and said that he did not figure so, because I was always busy working towards something. I thought it was quite perceptive of him to have thought that. Not because of my being busy all the time, but because of the very thought of him knowing I was always working towards something.
Even as a child, I cannot remember ever being bored or lonely.
I enjoyed my time alone. I loved thinking and making little plans, even though I knew that my plans would never be exactly as I planned them. I knew how to entertain myself without being around others to give me attention.
I, just like you have the need to be appreciated. However, I was never the type that needed the attention just to be noticed.
I always wanted the opposite. I wanted to be invisible, free to walk around and have fun watching the rest of the world. Even when I was in the microscopic eye of the public, I was difficult to find or pin down. I was elusively polite and politically correct.
However, anyone who knows me will tell you that unless you have me interested in a conversation that is filled with deep meaning, you will be able to predict my disappearance within five minutes.
I spent time with many people and even laughed at their jokes.
I enjoy it sometimes but I enjoy the silence of being alone much more.
I went shopping on my own, went out to dinners and movies by myself. I even rented limos and treated myself to operas and symphonies!
I would never have guessed that someday, ‘Loneliness’ would enter my emotional data base! Well it did!
It did the day I met someone very special who showed me that ‘Love’ knows no limitations. He showed me that Love can hurt and make one afraid of losing and of death. He showed me that it was possible to enjoy sharing my deepest thoughts without being judged.
He also showed me that it was okay to be laughed at, when it is out of Love.
He showed me many things I never cared for nor bothered with in the past, but I now understand to be a crucial part of being really human.
I had seen ‘Loneliness’ destroy the strongest of the strong before, and it was always too sad for me to feel, so I intercepted and eradicated all possible intruders that had ‘loneliness’ attached to it!
I thought I was different. I thought I was in control!
I suppose, I was.
I was in many ways, that most would not dare to fathom.
I was, until I took my armor off to accept that illogical emotion called ‘Love’ and I do not mean superficial love but the one that is full of intimacy and spirituality.
I always knew it was supposed to be that way but I never wanted it, in fear of this exact emotion that I feel now within my soul.
I am happy but oh, so lonely whenever I am apart from him.
The connection is always there, no matter what I do to try and forget or stay busy. I have even tried being angry! It does not work!
I do not know where the future will take me but I know this…
Without him in my life, I will have to battle ‘Loneliness’ more cunningly than the other battles I have had to fight in the past.
I had wished once that we never met but I was in denial then.
Alright, I was not in denial, I was in hope that I could be in denial! 🙂
Do not be discouraged, if you are feeling my words to be yours. There are perks that come along with this emotion.
No, not drugs; alcohol or sex dummy!
I am talking about new Dreams and new Hopes!
A new Tomorrow.
Yes! There is an antidote! There are many things you can do to dance the beat of ‘Loneliness’…
But you will have to check back my Blog for that info later!
Stay tuned and be Brave!